I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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