I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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