my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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