My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
