I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
stop calling my apartment porn island.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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