What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
