Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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