He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
