Just cropdusted the office
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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