Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
