I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
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We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
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