I need to stop coming to work sober
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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