Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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