the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
