sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
