Tell her she can't have a vagina
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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