2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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