one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
