I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
