I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
