alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
