I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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