some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
