too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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