sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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