Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Im part way to drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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