ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
