Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
