Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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