also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
