Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
