Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
