I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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