Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
