the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
