I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
