just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
