the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
