Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
