So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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