I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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