my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
