So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
