i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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