It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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