She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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