I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
