Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Hippo gnu deer
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
