Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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