Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
