Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
