What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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