why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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