my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well