onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
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So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
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And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.