I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
