i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
